


To Remember (And To Let Go)

by heisenfox



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Coda, M/M, Movie Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 18:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6765817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heisenfox/pseuds/heisenfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve reflects on the loss of the shield, what it meant to him, what it meant to others, and what it can still mean to the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Remember (And To Let Go)

**Author's Note:**

> A coda of sorts to Captain America: Civil War. Contains spoilers. I just really like thinking about the shield, okay? Self-beta'd, any mistakes are my own. Also I got the Russian for "ready to comply" from Google. Sorry if it's wrong, please correct me if so! (I'm pretty sure it actually translates as "willing to comply" but whatever.)

_“You don’t deserve that shield. My **father** made that shield.”_

In the heat of the moment, Steve thought nothing of it. He had what he wanted most in the world -- Bucky, alive, safe, at his side. The shield was just a piece of metal, painted with the sigil of a uniform he wasn’t even technically allowed to wear anymore without committing high treason. Tossing it aside was easier than it should’ve been, all things considered.

* * *

Steve remembers when he first became _Captain America_. He remembers being approached after Dr. Erskine was killed, told he could still be a symbol of hope and courage for his country; that was all he’d ever wanted, and one of the few reasons he wanted to enlist -- he could count the reasons on one hand: 1) No parents means nobody to mourn him too heavily. 2) Enlisting means he can be brave like his father. 3) If he is able to enlist, he and Bucky might get shipped off together; maybe the war doesn’t have to end with one of them burying the other. And 4) if he enlists, he can do some good -- certainly more good than collecting scrap metal. Even if he was nothing more than fodder for the other soldiers to use as bait, at least he would help.

He remembers outfit fittings, being pricked by needles, his head being measured for a helmet. At first, he’s not quite sure what they’re going to ask of him; at first, he doesn’t need to know. He’s going to help. That’s what matters. That’s what would make his parents and Bucky proud of him. And then, he’s handed a steel shield, put in a spandex costume, and told to memorize some lines of dialogue about buying money bonds. He wants to complain, wants to do anything other than this, and is not so subtly reminded he’s property of the United States government, and that he’ll do as he’s told or be subjected to laboratory experiments instead.

He remembers picking up that shield day in and day out, remembers the first time someone excitedly asked him for a photograph, remembers the face of every dame who shyly approached him. Sometimes, the dames wanted a dance; others wanted a drink, or something more. Steve would always politely decline, telling them he had to be on his way to his next tour stop; it wasn’t anything personal. It was just that his heart was split in two, with Peggy and Bucky overseas. The day he sees Peggy again is the first time he carries the shield with any kind of purpose. It comes with him into enemy territory, holds its own against Hydra’s tesseract weapons, makes it across a burning factory as he jumps after Bucky. It feels solid and safe in his hands as his heart thrums, alive with the feeling of Bucky and Peggy at his side.

It’s another blink and you miss it moment, going from rogue stage-boy to Captain America, War Hero; the praise heaped upon him is plentiful, but not why he went across enemy lines. He just wanted to save his friend, nothing more. That he was able to save every man who had gone missing was a bonus he couldn’t believe he was lucky enough to make happen. So it’s a shock when that woman kisses him, and more of a shock when the open look of praise that was on Peggy’s face is replaced by a shuttered look of repulsion. Any other man would say her shooting at him as he holds one of the prototype shields would be more of a shock, but, then again, those men aren’t Steve.

Even as he holds up different styles of shield, his hand yearns for the heavy -- now battered -- steel that accompanied him just days prior. Until, of course, he lifts the shield of vibranium. Larger than his previous shield, lighter than any metal he’s ever touched, and slotting onto his arm like a glove that was fitted to only suit him, Steve feels a spark as his fingers close around the grip. He holds it up to Peggy, hamming it up, trying to lighten up whatever mood she’s fallen into. She, in turn, holds up a gun, and empties the clip. _“Yes, I think it works._ Howard turns to Steve with a look of mixed admiration and terror; his eyes seem to say, _“I’ve been there, pal,”_ while the rest of his body language is suddenly open to Steve. In one short moment, they’ve bridged the gap between them, and Steve is finally seen as Howard’s equal.

Seventy years later, when Steve is being debriefed by SHIELD, he’s told that they found him by accident, frozen in the ice he’d steered his plane toward after defeating Schmidt. He’s told that the first thing to be pulled from the wreckage was his shield, big and bright and unmistakable. Holding it in his hand again after so many years – though he doesn’t remember the years in between – is like finding an old friend. Steve may not remember the years he was out, but he does remember the years he wasn’t. He remembers the last laughs he shared with Howard, remembers watching Bucky fall, remembers kissing Peggy goodbye. He’s grateful for the shield, in this moment, because it’s the last tie he has to that life. It’s the last piece of Captain America that remains.

SHIELD is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. He supposes it shouldn’t be that big of a shock – he did work for the SSR. He’s eventually told that SHIELD was, in a way, born out of the SSR. That it’s the love child of Howard and Peggy’s combined minds, with a little help from Steve’s Howling Commandos. He shouldn’t be surprised, and yet, he is. Not that they all got together and formed a protection agency – that’s to be expected, given the things they saw during the war. What surprises him is the name. Agent Coulson likes to say the full name whenever possible: The Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. Other agents like to point out that someone just really wanted it to spell SHIELD.

Steve understands almost immediately that this was Peggy’s doing. As a founding member, she would have had a say in its naming, and being Peggy Carter, nobody would have gone against her choice, not even Howard Stark. When Steve learns Peggy is still alive, it’s one of the first questions he asks her while she’s lucid. She explains that the agency was designed with one purpose – to protect mankind from forces too strong for them to combat alone. It was meant to continue the Captain’s work in his absence, to keep the world he died for safe. When Steve still doesn’t understand, Peggy laughs, a little breathless, eyes wild and full of the fire he’d always loved, and she pats his hand in a sweet, almost patronizing way; _“You never carried any weapons. Your only weapon was a shield, because you wanted to be a shield for every person you ever met.”_

She laughs again at the open shock on his face, and changes the subject to the many varied names they’d come up with to spell SHIELD. When Steve leaves that night, something in him feels lighter. As he enters his apartment, he brushes his hand against the cold vibranium before pausing, pressing into it, his eyes closed. In the back of his mind, he hears echoes of a past life, hears Bucky leading a cheer, hears Dum Dum laughing, hears the Commandos singing. He decides it’s time to stop moping, time to live his life in honor of the friends he lost, and the ones who lost him.

* * *

Looking back on these feelings now, and feeling the emptiness at having tossed the shield aside at the feet of Tony Stark, Steve wonders how he wound up here. He still thinks everything Tony did was wrong, and that it was the wrong way to go about it, but maybe the Accords had one thing right. Maybe the destruction left in their wake was too great, and it was time to change that. Peggy had pinned him down to the core saying he wanted to be a shield for everyone he met. From the first day he met Bucky, all Steve had ever done and wanted to do in this world was stand between bullies and their prey. He thought that’s what he was doing as an Avenger; he sees now that destruction cannot be written off as an unfortunate byproduct. He still believes the best hands are their own, but he realizes at the same time that something has to give.

They’re in Wakanda now, safe and sheltered and secret; T’Challa is a gracious host, and Steve can see where he’s probably overcompensating as apology for attacking Bucky for Zemo’s crimes. He doesn’t say anything, because he’s too grateful to see someone understand that Bucky is not in control of or to blame for the actions of the Winter Soldier. They stay there for days that turn to weeks that turn to months, bigger pieces of Bucky slowly coming back to him. Bucky doesn’t comment on the emptiness that seems to be eating at Steve, and Steve doesn’t comment on the fear in Bucky’s eyes. For a while, it works. T’Challa, however, cannot hold his tongue any longer.

He’s sparring with Bucky, helping him adjust to the new vibranium arm, and he stops with Bucky pinned to the ground. “You are holding back. You have been holding back. There is fear in your eyes. Why?”

Bucky scowls and pushes T’Challa off. “You don’t know all of the things I did the last time I had one of these arms. It’s all still up there, you know. The programming. All it will take is some bastard learning the words like Zemo did and boom. Bye-bye, Bucky. I’ll be reduced to nothing but готовы соблюдать.”

T’Challa considers him before calling Steve into the training room. “You keep flexing your fingers like they are missing something. Your friend keeps pulling his punches. You both need to get it together, or we will lose if they come for us.” With that, he walks out of the room.

Bucky and Steve sit in silence for a long while before they finally hash out what’s bothering them. Steve promises Bucky he’ll stay by his side, that he has nothing to fear as long as they’re together; Bucky suggests Steve ask T’Challa to make him a new shield, says they can go and protect people quietly, together. They can repay their debts to society in silence, side by side.

With renewed hope, and their hands tightly wound together, they leave the sparring room, and approach T’Challa with their plans. The king grins at them, and says, “It is about damn time.” He reaches beneath his desk, pushing a hidden button, and an opening appears in the wall. Resting there on a pedestal, big and gleaming and new, is a shield.


End file.
